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My Cherrie, Amor
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Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in Cherrie's LiveJournal:

Sunday, July 18th, 2004
11:16 pm
fuck him.
i want to hate him.
for the way he treated me.
for all he's put me through.
for making me feel so damn guilty about the way i've treated him.
i dont want to like him.
i dont want to care.
i want to forget.

why is there still a piece of me that belongs to him?
11:15 pm
youd think that after all this time things would have changed
feelings would have faded
things would have been forgotten

ay, no.
they haven't.
Saturday, July 17th, 2004
11:02 am
I am sooo ready to move out this house. It's gone past a want to an actual need. A physical need. Whenever I drive by an apartment that I have considered moving into, I feel this strong pull from the bottom of my stoumach. I need out, away from my controlling mother, my fussy sisters. I need independence. I need a life of my own.

I'll be 20 next month. No longer a teenager. Never again.

My middle sister is starting to get under my skin. More and more each day. We've always gotten along well being 3 years apart. But I've been noticing how two faced she is. Bitchy. Self Centered. Only care about herself, doing what she wants, what makes her happy. Not caring about how it puts other people out of their way. Oh, but when I say "other people", I mostly mean me, cuzz she's too timid to ask her friends to do anything for her.

At the same time I feel bad, because she's a senior in highschool and she has no friends. What friends she used to have totally left her in the past year for assorted boyfriends or friends who are "cooler".

But she talks bad about them to. Saying they're the ones who are two faced, they do this, they do that. But to their face, she's all sweet, nice, i miss you, i miss you.

I just found out she doesn't like my boyfriend. Has no good reason not to like him. Can't tell me why she feels this way. Just doesn't. But yet she acts so nice to his face, acts like she really does like him, acts like she's glad were together.

I dont know, it just makes me mad. That she's not being "real".

And then there's this thing with the ex-boyfriend, the former love of my life, my soul mate, etc, etc, that I always go on and on about in here. He's finally broken up with his girlfriend of a year and a half. He's back in town, back on the market.

I don't know what to think.

I still have a yearning to be with him. I still have feelings, and always will. But I know what I have now with my current boyfriend is fantastic and I don't want to loose it. But I can't have them both.

I'm scared to think that if I take the safe route with current boyfriend, let bygones be bygones, don't go after the ex, don't resurrect feelings, I may be loosing out on the greatest love of my life.

But I'm also scared that if I do break up with the current and go after the ex, he may have changed, we've been apart 2 years, there is no love, there is no chance of ever making things the way they used to be. And then I'll lose everything.
Friday, July 16th, 2004
11:55 pm
Gone to long and I know it.
I apologize
Too many family vacations.
Not enought computer time.
Excuse the tyoping, I'm pretty high and I'm getting tired of pressing the backspace button.
Full and through expanation of my absence along wiht more stuff when I return.
Tuesday, June 29th, 2004
12:12 pm
Been on vacation since Thursday. Got back last night. Aren't vacations suposed to be relaxing? I am worn out. Home has never felt this good.

Short term goals:
cut back on smoking
start exercising
be a better friend

Long term goals:
get a job
do well this semester (grades and attendence)
get scholarship back
move out of parent's house

Boyfriend still making me mad. We mdae 7 months Sunday. I'm wondering if it's the 6-month curse. Ever since I broke up with the notorious ex-boyfriend (whom I had been dating a year and a half), I have never had a relationship last much longer than 6 months. 6 months is the limit where I start picking apart everything about said current boyfriend and comparing him to the ex.
Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
12:19 am
My ex-boyfriend was my true soul mate. But he wasn't "the one".

My boyfriend now is "the one". But I don't see him as being my soul mate.

i dont think i understand...

Current Mood: high
Sunday, June 20th, 2004
10:38 pm
I guess what they say is right.
You really never do forget your first love

Me and him, so much happened between us.

I grew up with him, we grew up together. Matured. Became adults. From the time we met when I was 14 till the day we started dating when I was 16 till we broke up when I was 18. Highschool till college. A big transition period.

There were great times when we were dating and some really terrible times when we were breaking up.

And I still love him and I still care.

I have the best boyfriend ever now. A love to rival the one me and him first shared. A love great, a love stronger. And yet I still find myself thinking about him. Wondering all those "what if's". Painful, saddening "what if's". Whishing I had been better, he had been different, things would haven't had turned out the way they did.

Of course we were destined to break up. How many of those relationships really last, anyway? I needed it, he needed it, we needed to grow up, grow apart.

Yet I still feel a longing to be with him.

We talk now. It took a year to become civil again. And he's throwing away his life. Ever since we broke up, it's like he doesn't care anymore. He has a new girlfriend, a seriouse girlfriend. They're in love. Yet I can tell he's holding back. Is he? He's happy, for once. But they're relationship is nothing like ours was. Why?

He doesn't care. He doesn't try. He's letting his life fall away from him. He dropped out of school. He has no job. He's in the reserves, yet he does nothing to better himself. He misses his weekends with them and he doesn't do anything when he's there. He's like a ghost of his old self. He doesn't even work out anymore, which is something he's throw himself into. He's accumulated so much debt. Gets collection notices and throws them away. Bounced so many checks at the bank that even they are getting on him now. Has no car. Has no drive in life.

I feel sorry for him. Sad for him. He's smart. He used to be motivated. He used to love life. He used to be excited to live. Now he just does what he has to to get by. To stay alive. It depresses me. I want to help him. I want to reach out to him. I feel helpless, letting him go like I am. But I don't feel like it's my place to say anything to him. I can't dictate his life. I cant interfere. It's his woman's place now to tell him that. And I am no longer his woman.
Saturday, June 12th, 2004
6:36 pm
Somedays I wish I could just start over.

I have good things going for me. But I always manage to screw them up.

With college. With the scholarship.

With boyfriend. With the cheating.

I don't mean to do bad in school. I want to succeed. I can succeed. I'm not stupid. But I don't try. My priorities are all messed up. I worry more about being with my friends. Having fun. Rather than school, grades, my future.

And then the boyfriend. He's the best ever. But living an hour away. Never seeing each other. And me and my raging hormones. I've never cheated on him bad. Kissed those girls when I was drunk. Kissed some random guy at a bar. And last night, kissing Kieth.

I didn't want to kiss Kieth. I tried to resist. And after I felt so dirty. Stinky. I couldn't get his smell off of me. I had to come home and take a bath. Cleanse myself. Maybe it was the guilt or the shame or maybe I really did stink. I dunno.

But I guess I could have been worse. I've never done more than kiss somebody else. But at the same time, if he were to kiss another girl, I'd be real hurt.

So I can't tell him.
All I can do is confess my sins here.
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