I am sooo ready to move out this house. It's gone past a want
to an actual need
. A physical need. Whenever I drive by an apartment that I have considered moving into, I feel this strong pull from the bottom of my stoumach. I need out, away from my controlling mother, my fussy sisters. I need independence. I need a life of my own.
I'll be 20 next month. No longer a teenager. Never again.
My middle sister is starting to get under my skin. More and more each day. We've always gotten along well being 3 years apart. But I've been noticing how two faced she is. Bitchy. Self Centered. Only care about herself, doing what she wants, what makes her happy. Not caring about how it puts other people out of their way. Oh, but when I say "other people", I mostly mean me, cuzz she's too timid to ask her friends to do anything for her.
At the same time I feel bad, because she's a senior in highschool and she has no friends. What friends she used to have totally left her in the past year for assorted boyfriends or friends who are "cooler".
But she talks bad about them to. Saying they're
the ones who are two faced, they do this, they do that. But to their face, she's all sweet, nice, i miss you, i miss you.
I just found out she doesn't like my boyfriend. Has no good reason not to like him. Can't tell me why she feels this way. Just doesn't. But yet she acts so
nice to his face, acts like she really does like him, acts like she's glad were together.
I dont know, it just makes me mad. That she's not being "real".
And then there's this thing with the ex-boyfriend, the former love of my life, my soul mate, etc, etc, that I always go on and on about in here. He's finally broken up with his girlfriend of a year and a half. He's back in town, back on the market.
I don't know what to think.
I still have a yearning to be with him. I still have feelings, and always will. But I know what I have now with my current boyfriend is fantastic and I don't want to loose it. But I can't have them both.
I'm scared to think that if I take the safe route with current boyfriend, let bygones be bygones, don't go after the ex, don't resurrect feelings, I may be loosing out on the greatest love of my life.
But I'm also scared that if I do break up with the current and go after the ex, he may have changed, we've been apart 2 years, there is no love, there is no chance of ever making things the way they used to be. And then I'll lose everything.